


I don't know, either

by marlowe78



Series: There and back again [2]
Category: That '70s Show
Genre: F/M, Gen, Jackie starts figuring stuff out, Post S7, no s8!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marlowe78/pseuds/marlowe78
Summary: After Steven's return from Oregon, Jackie took him back as her boyfriend. But is that really the best for her?Steven drew a line in the sands of Las Vegas for himself. Now it's Jackie's turn to find her line and figure out which side is the right one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, hi there, ho there. (Again)
> 
> So, because of a conversation with MistyMountainHop about my first story here, I realized that my Jackie got the short straw. I rushed my ending, and now Jackie needs a bit of decisiveness herself. 
> 
> Story is done, it's not as long as A Line in the Sand and yes, there's probablypossibly a third part but let's not make too many promises.   
> This story has some holes for anyone reading it without reading the first of the series, and even though it's possible to understand the basics, I still recommend you go read "A Line in the Sand" first. (No ulterior motives, of course!) 
> 
> Have fun, and if you did, feel free to drop me a line

Everything was better with a face full of cleansing mud, that much Jackie knew for sure. Whatever life threw at you, you could just let it roll off your shoulder when you were attractive and had perfect skin. 

That didn’t mean that things were exactly _easy_ , or _good_ , but it was certainly better. Also, the mud perfectly hid the treacherous little signs that might show you were about to cry, or rip someone to shreds, or whatever else your emotions wanted you to do. 

She was at the Kenosha Spa with Donna, who had surprisingly not wanted to come along without some blackmailing. How could she not want her skin cleaned and her hair done and lie in a relaxing bath with wonderfully scented water until your skin wrinkled and your muscles felt like wax? How could she not want to have her toenails done and her body-hair removed and her fingernails painted such beautiful colours? Like – come _on_ , if anyone should enjoy it, it should be Donna! Then again, Jackie supposed, Donna hadn’t ever really cared much about that. 

And it irked her, but she would never say it out loud, that Donna did look pretty good with such little effort. She’d have men falling at her wayside if she actually cared! Jackie only wanted her to feel as amazing as she did herself!

Except, of course, she didn’t feel amazing. Not … not _not_ amazing, but also not really _amazing_. Things were nagging at her, keeping her mind from calming down even with the warmth around her body – and the tension in her shoulders was horrible. Don, her masseur, would have to work really hard for his money today, but as tense as she was, Jackie wouldn’t really enjoy that very much. Pity – she loved getting a massage. 

Especially the rare times Steven had given her one. 

Oh, right. 

_Steven_. 

“Donna?”

“Hm?” 

“Am I stupid?”

“Uh…” Donna turned and lifted the cucumber-patches that lay over her eyes, looking fully at Jackie. “In what sense?” 

“In the sense of taking someone back who’s cheated on me, not just once but _twice_ , and even after taking _Michael_ back twice after cheating and swearing never to fall for the same crap again. So – am I stupid?”

Donna sighed, put her cucumbers away – a waste, she should put them back on later because her lids _so_ needed the moisture – and lay back into the water with her eyes turned to the ceiling. “This is a complicated question, Jackie.”

“No. No, it’s really not.”

“Well, it is when you have to answer it.” She sighed again and splashed a little water with her fingers. More like playing with it than doing it on purpose. “The thing is – you have pretty shit taste in men.” Jackie gasped, but Donna talked right over her. Unbelievable! “Yes, that includes Hyde! And I’m saying that even though he’s my friend. But he’s… wow. He’s really not easy to live with, I guess. I was … look, when you two got together, Eric and I weren’t just joking about the unholy union of you two. You’re both … let’s say ‘volatile’, okay?”

Jackie so wasn’t volatile! But she also wouldn’t have said Steven was volatile, and he had sure proved her wrong last night. So she just made a noise of protest because maybe Steven was, but _she_ sure wasn’t!

“So – but then you two were actually good together, you know? You made him … you made him happy, and he made you happy. I wouldn’t have thought that.” Donna smiled and Jackie smiled as well, feeling a wave of pride rise in her. She’d made Steven happy! “But… you’re both still you, you know? You’ll react to everything in the Jackie-style and he’ll react in Hyde-style, and both are so different it was bound to be messy. You’re saying he cheated on you before he went to the Army? Again?”

Sighing, Jackie nodded. Donna didn’t see it, but Jackie would not say it out loud! It was hard enough to say it once! “Why do all men I love cheat on me?” Dammit! Stupid mouth! 

The noise Donna made was a bit similar to a whale, sorrowful and maybe slightly impatient. “I told you – your taste in men is shitty. I would love to tell you to just dump Hyde and find someone who fits you much better, because you don’t deserve being cheated on all the time! You didn’t deserve that from Kelso, and you sure as hell don’t deserve it from Hyde!”

Donna was right! She didn’t deserve this! Steven had cheated, even after saying he wouldn’t do it again - _promising_ , after that nurse! And not only that – he’d nearly _married_ someone else, and… and that… that … It _hurt_ , so much! It had hurt last night to hear that, and it hadn’t stopped hurting until Steven had shocked her so much, she’d not been able to feel anything but slight terror. 

“But,” Donna continued “that advice is so much easier to give from the outside, isn’t it?” She looked at Jackie, and Jackie tried to look back but it wasn’t really possible. Instead she pretended to be fascinated by the jets that were creating warm currents in the bath. “Because if Eric had cheated, and really regretted it, and promised it wouldn’t happen again – well, I wish I could say I’d kick him to the curb, but truth is… I might still take him back.” Donna looked like she was ashamed. She looked like Jackie felt – ashamed for falling into the trap once more, for making the same mistake over and over. 

“So you’re saying I shouldn’t take him back?” That … wow. The idea of just leaving, right now, of treating Steven how he’d treated _her_ felt so godawful, Jackie wasn’t sure she could even entertain the thought. But Donna was right – making the same mistake over and over had to stop at one point, and maybe that point was now.

“I don’t know, Jackie. It has to be your decision, yours alone.” And that was even worse! Jackie needed advice, not more uncertainty!

“You know, you’re not really good at this advice-stuff, Donna.”

“Oh, do you think that might be why I don’t have an advice-column in the paper and instead work at a radio-station moderating rock-music?” The sarcasm was thick in her voice, and absently Jackie remembered how her mom used to say that sarcasm created wrinkles. 

She sank deeper into the bath until her lips were just above the water. “But I need help, Donna! You’re my friend, I don’t know anyone else but maybe Fez who I could talk to. And Fez hides under beds and in closets to spy on girls, so who else am I gonna ask?” She did have friends – well, kinda, sorta – at the small network she was working. And her room-mate could be considered friend-like. They were pretty friendly at the channel, very familial, and it always made her feel welcome when she stepped into the dingy hallways and smelled the slightly musty smell of the old carpet. It had quite some ugly coffee-stains – she was hoping it was just coffee – and a few disgusting chewing-gums were worked into the fabric, and when she’d first gotten there with the offer of a job, of a small spot in the network’s morning-show, she’d nearly stepped right out again. But she had needed money, and she wanted to be on television, and she’d plastered on a smiling face and started to wow the people around her.

Once she’d lessened up on the wowing, things had gotten nice. 

Still, the friends she’d made there were still not really _friends_. They went out sometimes in the evening, they helped each other moving boxes – well, they helped her. Jackie preferred giving advice on where to put the couch and stuff like that – and had mostly fun with each other. But none of them knew her beyond Chicago, none of them knew her friends from home. None knew Donna and Fez and only Maria, Helena’s secretary, knew Michael from when he’d picked her up for lunch with him and Brooke one day. 

She didn’t like Michael, so …

None of her Chicago-friends knew about Steven. Or well – they knew that there _was_ a Steven, but they didn’t know specifics. Hell - _Jackie_ didn’t know specifics! So whatever they would give her as advice, they’d never have the full facts. They didn’t know their history, and how could you advise like that? No – Donna would have to, because Donna knew Jackie and she knew Steven. She’d be perfect for advice. 

“Jackie… You’re my friend, okay? But … Hyde is also my friend. And I can’t really give you advice here, because if I say you should dump him and you do that because I say so, I would hurt him deliberately, and I won’t do that.” She frowned, and Jackie wished she would stop that, as some of the mud dropped from her forehead into the water. “And if I say ‘no, keep him’, and you do that, I might hurt you because you really _shouldn’t_. Not just because of the cheating, but that’s the biggest thing on his shit-list so far. So I can’t give you more than: decide for yourself. Everything anyone else decides for you will be wrong. _You_ have to ask yourself if you want to live with someone who cheated twice on you – or if you rather not have Hyde in your life anymore.”

They didn’t say anything else on that topic. Jackie didn’t know what to say, what to ask – how to ask – and Donna seemed reluctant to continue. Instead, they babbled about meaningless things – and beauty-advice, because that was totally important! – and after a while, Jackie started to have fun again.

It didn’t stop her from thinking, but she put the thoughts on hold for a while. It was, after all, a major decision she had to make, and she couldn’t make it while wearing a pink bathrobe with red slippers! They didn’t have matching ones anymore, something that sure would appear in the complaints-box, of that she was certain.


	2. Chapter 2

On the drive back, after a light lunch at the spa’s restaurant, Jackie asked to be dropped at the mall, hoping – and rightly so – that Donna wouldn’t want to accompany her. It was only early afternoon, an there was still time before she had to go to the Formans and make a decision. So she started wandering the mall, absently looking at clothes and shoes and even books without taking anything in. Her mind was a blur, and she needed to sort things through. Like with her closet, she needed order in her chaotic brain to pick the right thing to wear. 

Could she trust Steven again? If every mistake – or supposed mistake, since she _hadn’t done anything wrong_ \- could result in him running off and sleeping with someone else? How could she? That was a rather dramatic reaction – other people just yelled. 

Could she forgive him for nearly marrying someone he didn’t know? Was it even possible to not remember anything of such a long timeframe? What … what if … She felt herself blink, and realized she was standing in the middle of the mall and people had to walk around her. Deliberately, Jackie stepped aside and parked herself on one of the benches. 

What if one day Steven remembered that woman, and remembered that he had actual feelings for her? What if that marriage hadn’t been random but Steven had fallen in love with that stranger and had _wanted_ to marry her? What if she gave him another chance and someday in the future, that woman would take all that away again?

Could she live with that? 

No. No, she couldn’t. 

Could she forgive Steven for just running off and not even taking the time for her to explain – even though _the exact same thing_ had happened before, and he’d been wrong _then_ , too. How could anyone that smart be so fucking dumb!

Jackie sniffed and pulled her legs up, grateful that the benches were wide enough for her to curl up on them. 

Last night, Steven had yelled at her. He’d reacted completely uncharacteristic, punching a door… so violent! She’d been scared, she had to admit to herself. It had shocked her, that outburst and his closeness, the anger in him. It wasn’t often that someone scared Jackie, she’d never considered herself small or helpless. But if you looked at it from a pure physical standpoint, she really didn’t have much to counter a guy intend to hurt her. So it had scared her, realizing that all at once, and from someone she loved, of all things! 

That was the main problem, wasn’t it? She loved Steven. Not just ‘liked a lot’, but loved him. He made her smile when she thought about having fun with him, he made her think about stuff that wasn’t superficial, he made her _happy_ and it made her happy to know _she_ made him happy as well. And seeing him so small and scared, after being so violent just seconds before, made her want to hug him and protect him. 

From what, she had no idea. 

He hadn’t just scared her physically. He’d exploded, like a … like a bottle of soda someone had shaken hard, all the fizz spraying out all over the person opening the bottle and whatever was left in there was now flat and tasteless. 

She’d wanted to make him better, get the fizz back into him, because the flat, pliant Steven of last night had scared her worse than the exploding one. He’d just followed her when she tugged at his wrist, let himself be sat on the bed, lay down when she pressed against his shoulder without even making a sound of protest. It had seemed like he’d not been there at all, just an empty shell. 

Jackie hadn’t told Donna about that, or anyone, really. She had thought about calling Mrs Forman, but she’d been in bed already, and in the end, Steven had quietly done whatever she’d told him to do and the two of them had lain back in bed together, side by side. Until Steven had taken a deep breath, turned onto his side and hugged her to his chest, burying his nose in her hair. 

Maybe she should have been scared about that, considering he’d just exploded, but truth was, she hadn’t been. Things had turned back to normal, after, or at least what counted for normal between them. Steven had reluctantly gone with her to the ER but had been agreeable to pretty much everything. How much of that was because of last night, and how much because of what he’d been doing the last months, Jackie didn’t know. 

She sighed, and nearly jumped out of her skin when a hand touched her shoulder. 

“Sorry, sorry. Jackie? Are you alright?” Todd, from the Cheese Palace, was standing behind her, his round face wrinkled in concern. Ugh, of all the people to meet here, it had to be him! Of course, because Jackie wasn’t allowed to get a break from idiotic guys trying to get into her pants the first damn chance they think they get! 

“Yes, yes, thank you, Todd. I’m … just... thinking. I’m fine, you can go back to your cheese.” She winced internally, though she hoped it wasn’t visible to anyone. ‘Go back to your cheese’? She should be better with words by now. 

“Oh, alright. If you’re sure? I… I haven’t seen you around for a long time, are you … Sorry, sorry. None of my business.”

And he was right, wasn’t he? None of his business! Then again, even though he’d kissed her and behaved a little obsessive around her, Todd had always treated her well. Maybe that was why she smiled and answered instead of just waving him away. “I’m living in Chicago now. Only visiting. Are you still … do you even still sell cheese?” 

Todd smiled and relaxed his stand, but didn’t move towards her or away. Looking at him with more attention, Jackie noticed that he’d changed quite a bit. Not that he’d grown – he was still barely taller than herself – but his hair was shorter now and he wasn’t wearing those unflattering shirt and vest. Something about the eyes reminded her of Steven, but that was ridiculous – right now, pretty much everything reminded her of Steven. 

God, that sonofabitch – in this case even literally! – had a way of digging himself into her thoughts without even trying! 

“Oh, Chicago! That sounds really interesting – and it suits you much better than this little town. And no, I don’t sell cheese anymore.” Todd winked. “I’m in college in Milwaukee; like you, I’m just visiting.”

College. Wow. Everyone seemed to be in college. Well – not everyone. Actually, from her friends, only Donna was in college and everyone else… not. Still, imagining _Todd_ in college was… hard. Then again, she hadn’t known anything about him except that he worked at the Cheese Palace. For some reason, she’d assumed he’d stay there forever and would never get a better job.

God, sometimes Jackie wanted to kick her younger self for being so ignorant of the world around her, _ignoring_ everything that didn’t concern her directly. “That … sounds very good. What are you studying?” she found herself asking, uncurling from her position to sit on the bench with her legs as they should be. Maybe a little distraction was good – she wasn’t accomplishing anything anyway, it seemed. 

“Oh, I’m planning to get my masters in freshwater-science! It’s always been my passion, and UWM offered a scholarship and I actually got it! Did you know it’s the only graduate school for freshwater-science in the whole US?” Jackie couldn’t say she did. Not that she’d ever wanted to know that, anyway. “My professor is the world’s most renown expert on the growth-pattern and colour-to-size-ratio of Nymphea tuberosa, it’s such an honour to study under him!” 

Jackie felt her eyebrows reach her hairline. Apart from not knowing what Nymphothingy whatsername was, she hadn’t ever thought Todd to be fascinated by … water? How dull could anyone be? He wasn’t just a cheese-guy – he was a _geek_! Then again – having something to be passionate about could be quite endearing, she’d learned. Not… Nymphics, probably, but one of the cameramen was such a comic-book fan, he even out-geeked Eric with his constant references. And Helena was truly passionate about her dogs, so… maybe she should just refrain from judging Todd for having something to be happy about. 

At least it wasn’t _cheese_.

Then again – maybe it was? Nymphomatic cheese? She shrugged. “That’s cool. I’m happy you found your calling.” And strangely, she was. Not too long ago, she would have openly spoken her annoyance without even knowing about what. Nymphico…. What _ever_! – could turn out to be the solution to world hunger, and she wouldn’t have cared because it wasn’t _her_ Todd was talking about. 

Or hair, or clothes. She’d indeed been a shallow little bitch, but she hoped – no, she _knew_ she’d changed. Parts of that change had been initiated by Michael running to California, but a big part was due to hooking up with Steven. He’d changed the way she looked at things, without even making an effort, just by being himself. Sarcastic, sometimes too sharp, always bristling against her ideas of how to behave and still always making her _more_ interested instead of scaring her away. 

“Thank you. So, what about you?” Todd smiled at her, and he’d sat down beside her on the bench. Not too close, she noticed, so maybe he’d gotten over his crush on her. 

“Oh, uhm. I’m working at a small TV-channel, Chicago Life and Fun. Maybe you’ve heard of it, but… I doubt it.” She smiled. The channel was _tiny_ , but privately owned and so far, it was running well enough to make a small profit. “It’s… it’s really cool.” Jackie knew she was grinning now, but she couldn’t stop. Whenever she got to tell someone about her job, she started to smile and finally grin because still, even after months working there, she felt pride well up and joy spread in her chest. She’d made it to television, and no matter how small her role was, she was _learning_ and she was happy. She’d found her way there alone, had started her life there _alone_ , hadn’t known anyone except Brooke and Michael in the city, and she’d done it. _Alone_! 

Nothing would ever take that away, and she would fight with tooth and nail against anyone who’d dare!

“Wow, really? That’s amazing, Jackie! I’m really happy for you! So, I can tell people in Milwaukee that I know someone famous now?” Todd smirked, but it didn’t come across as leering or anything remotely creepy, like before. 

She blushed, despite herself. “No, well… no. It’s… I have like five to six minutes of time on screen, the rest of the time I’m a glorified secretary.” Not exactly true, but close enough. She looked at his profile and found herself thinking that with his hair as it was now, he didn’t look half bad. Quite attractive, even, if a little bit too boyish for her. “So – do you have a girlfriend, Todd?” 

Jackie’s eyes went wide and she covered her mouth in embarrassment. She’d only wondered, hadn’t wanted to actually ask! Now he might think she was coming on to him, and she really didn’t need anyone else trying to get into her pants!

But Todd only laughed, then blushed and smiled towards the ground. Again, he reminded her of Steven, that little-boy charm he sometimes expressed. “Uh, actually – not as such?” 

“What do you mean, ‘not as such’? Do you have a girlfriend or not?” What was there to be vague about? Except … maybe he was still working on getting the girl?

“Uh – ah. Hm. Not a … well, not a _girl_ friend. You know…” 

This time, Jackie thought her eyes would fall out of her head. Did he… was Todd actually saying – out loud, even! – that he was… that he had a _boy_ friend? “But – you were all over me!” was what she eventually said, and again with that stupid, stupid mouth! Still, though – he’d had his tongue in her throat!

Todd stared at her, then chuckled. “I did, didn’t I? And … I’m not… I would have loved to have more with you than just that one kiss, you know? I’d never have said… well, that I swung that way, right?” He seemed embarrassed, but not so much that he was trying to hide this. “But when I met Robert and… He’s… yeah.” 

Smiling, Jackie patted his leg. Being in the entertainment-business, even if it was just at the fringes, had her meeting a lot of colourful people, and not all of them were just one colour. Egmont, the guy for getting interesting people to interview into Helena’s show was very gay, and he was one of the nicest people to be around. She knew her father would never approve of men loving other men, but Egmont was just so darn _nice_ , he was like a male Kitty Forman! Who could _not_ like Egmont? He baked the best cookies in Chicago! So she didn’t much care if Todd – did Todd have a surname? He’d always just been ‘Todd the cheese-guy’ – had fallen in love with another man. She just hoped he wouldn’t suffer for it, like Egmont’s ex-boyfriend who’d been beaten up so badly he’d been in hospital for weeks! Eggy and him hadn’t been a couple anymore by then, but her friend had been devastated to hear about it. 

“I’m happy for you, Todd. Really. How did you meet?”

“Funny thing – he’s actually from here, too! We were talking at a party, not just us but a group from karate-class and some geeks from the chess-club, and when it came to home, Robert and I realized we’re from the same town! Maybe you know him? I mean… his parents are rich, and you uh, your father’s r – was rich, right? Robert Morgan?”

Robert Morgan, rich and gay? “Hmm, I don’t know anyone…” Oh. _OH!_ She gasped. “ _Morgan_? Are you talking about _Buddy Morgan_? Oh my God! Really?” She was fully laughing now, because this was just ridiculous. How could the world be so small that nearly everything could be connected back to the weird circle of friends that had started by hanging out in Eric’s basement? 

Todd seemed to be offended by her laughter, and she tried to rein it in a little. It wasn’t by itself that funny, and Buddy – Robert, apparently – was a nice guy, as far as she remembered. “Sorry, sorry. Not laughing about you, or Bud – uh, Robert. I promise. It’s just – we’d gone to school together, you know? He hit on my friend’s boyfriend! Oh God – “ and she was off again. Todd had hit on her while she’d been in a relationship still, and Buddy had hit on Eric while he’d been in a relationship. The two of them were so perfect for each other, when you looked at it like that. 

Luckily, Todd seemed to find the humour in the situation as well and he grinned with her until her laughter had dissipated. “Yes, okay. So, Jackie – how about you? Are you still with Mitchell, the underwear-model?” 

She huffed. “Michael, and no, ugh. I’m not. Though he’s in Chicago, too, he’s not more than a friend now.” And never would be anything more, even if the world ended with only the two of them. She’d rather become a nun than going back to Michael Kelso! 

And not just because he’d cheated on her – that… well. Okay, that was a big part of it. His cheating ways had destroyed their relationship, even though in hindsight, maybe her making him feel bad had played a role as well. But he’d not just destroyed _his_ relationship with her, he’d also gone out of his way to shake and rattle her other, much more important relationship with Steven. And while she’d never thought much about it – Michael was just being stupid Michael with all his panty-stealing, gift-giving and shit-talking in Steven’s vicinity – it seemed like he’d hit a nerve. And hit it so expertly that her unshakeable, smart, confident boyfriend had turned into an insecure, dumb idiot. 

No, that wasn’t all Michael’s fault, of course. But he’d never accepted a ‘no’ from her, and in the end, he’d been half-naked in their motel-room with her and if he hadn’t been, if he’d been a friend like Eric, or even Fez, if stupid Michael had left his stupid clothes on that day, so much wouldn’t have happened! 

So no. No, no way would Michael ever be more than a friend – and even that was pushing it some days. For example, if he’d appear magically here, right now, she’d probably kick his shin. Or maybe go straight for the balls – she’d decide when that actually happened. 

“Oh, well. I’m glad to hear it, if I may be so honest.” Todd looked over for approval, and she gave it with a nod. Honesty was nice, for a change. She’d had enough lies and hidden truths to fill half a lifetime. “He wasn’t right for you.” 

“Really? And who,” she grinned “would you say was right for me? You?” 

Todd smirked and scratched his head. “Well, I would have been better? But anyone would have been better, so…” he shrugged. “I just hope you found someone who makes you happy, Jackie. You’re a special person – you should be happy as much as possible.”

Now it was her time to blush. She debated with herself if she should tell him about Steven, but in the end, she didn’t think it was necessary to lay out her whole life. And right now, she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to continue the relationship with cheating, insecure, idiotic Steven Hyde. 

“I think so, yes,” was what she said in the end. “I wish you all the best, Todd. Give my regards to Bud- uh, Robert, okay? You can also tell him Eric says ‘hi’ if you want to,” she winked, and Todd laughed. “Don’t worry, he’s in Africa right now, so you don’t have to fear him leaving you and come running back.” She was teasing, and for a second Jackie wasn’t sure if she’d gone too far. But Todd still smiled, wide and confident. 

“Don’t worry, Jackie. He won’t, even if your friend Eric wanted him to.” 

He said his goodbye and left, and Jackie recognized that gnawing feeling in her belly. Envy. She was envious of Todd! Of him being so damn certain that his boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on him, of him being enough for Buddy Morgan, who was smart and attractive and rich and could probably have anyone he wanted. 

Why couldn’t she have something like that? Why, even now, was she left with those niggling doubts that Steven would leave her? Why was it so important that he wouldn’t?

Hell, she was even scared of that skank who’d tried to marry a drunk, drugged and probably deranged Steven to come back and claim him as hers! 

But wasn’t that the thing? She didn’t want Steven to be anyone else’s. She wanted him to be hers, _hers_! 

Was that really too much to ask?

With a sigh, she looked at the big wall-clock. It was time to catch the bus and get back to the Formans. Maybe a solution would present itself during the ride, or maybe she’d magically know when she saw Steven again. 

God, why couldn’t Donna just tell her what to do! 

And why, why couldn’t she just listen to Donna when she said ‘You should dump him’? Instead, she was looking for any loophole in that simple sentence, anything to keep her from actually dumping Steven. 

Was that a decision already? Had she already decided to keep him and was trying to rationalize the decision? 

Maybe. 

Goddamn, Jackie Burkhard had always known what she wanted. Why, oh _why_ was it that she suddenly didn’t know anything at all? 

Steven’s ‘I don’t know’ suddenly made much more sense.


	3. Chapter 3

She climbed down the steps to the basement from the kitchen, since Mr Forman had just grunted downwards when she’d asked where Steven was. She’d left him in the living-room, but apparently Mrs Forman had left and she couldn’t be mad about Steven rather going downstairs than sitting on the couch with Mr Forman as company. Even though Mr Forman was a really nice guy, Steven, Eric, Michael and to an extend Fez seemed to be a bit scared around him. 

Maybe it was because none of them would recognize the transmission in a car if it was the only thing left inside the motor block. 

Steven was in his bedroom, in his bed. The record on the player was still spinning but it had long since stopped playing music. ‘Who’s next’ - Jackie actually liked that one. She looked at the sleeping form on the bed and something clenched inside her. God, he was so foxy! 

Despite missing his curls – even those stupid side-burns – she couldn’t deny that the physical changes in Steven made her want to do dirty, dirty things with him. And _to_ him. And him doing them to her. He’d already been slim the last time she’d seen him, before Chicago, and not in a skinny, nerdy way like Eric. But now, he’d gained quite some muscle and she’d felt a thrill inside her crawl along her spine last night, when they’d had sex. Steven had always been strong, but now he was… _firm_. Yes, that was the word. Firm. His chest was more defined and his stomach – oooouh, yowza!

She felt herself lick her lips. 

If she actually stopped this relationship, it sure wouldn’t be for lack of desire. That Steven still desired _her_ \- well, duh! That was a given. They were always good when it came to sex, they never had a problem if it came to the physical side of their relationship. With Michael, it had all been about carefully balancing her own desires with the tremendous amount of lust Michael carried, and sometimes it had overshadowed the fun they had when both had been on the same page. Getting Michael to have sex with her had _never_ been a problem, but getting enough in exchange had sometimes been a pain. 

Oh yes, she realized that having sex in exchange for … well, for anything, really, was not exactly the right way to have sex. Steven – and Donna, to a lesser degree – had taught her that. Mostly – in Steven’s case! – through refusing her sex when he’d figured out what she was doing. 

Naïve as she’d been, Jackie hadn’t thought it was even possible for boys to refuse sex! 

Smiling, she remembered. She’d wanted to go to Kat Peterson’s party and Steven hadn’t. He’d even _told_ her, with _words_ , that he didn’t want to be paraded around like a prize horse, thinking that would be the only purpose she’d wanted him along for: showing Kat and the others that she was capable of transforming Bad Boy Steven Hyde into a good-looking, attentive boyfriend and rubbing it in that she was much superior to them. How immensely unfair of Steven! In truth, she’d only wanted to have fun at the party and who could judge her for wanting to show them her boyfriend, right?

Right?

Well. No, not right. Steven had been right, even if not exactly in that nasty way he’d said it. She hadn’t wanted to parade him! But the fact that she hadn’t even liked her bitchy co-cheerleaders very much, and that she hadn’t thought there would be much fun to be had at the party told her that she’d not had the best of intentions. But she refused to believe that she’d only seen Steven as a project to mould to her own satisfaction. He’d never been that to her, and it made her insides clench thinking that Steven had thought that of her. 

Anyways, back then she’d tried to get him to go, he’d refused and she’d started the seduction-game. Very successfully even. She’d had him pliant and breathing hard against the wall, had let herself be turned around and giving him the illusion of control, and when he’d been hard under her hand and already groaning, she’d whispered how good he’d look with the black button-up and his tight dark jeans, and how jealous everyone would be – believing she’d already won.

But he’d reacted like someone had dumped a bucked full of ice-water on him, stepping away and suddenly closed-off, hard where he’d been mellow and needy just moments before. _”I told you, I’m not going!”_ he’d growled, and she’d used her big eyes to sway him, which had always, always worked on Michael. On Steven, it had had the opposite effect. _“Still not going,”_ he had said and just left her standing there alone, all bothered up and turned on from the making-out. 

Steven hadn’t wanted sex for a week afterwards, and the more she tried to coax him into it, the more he’d refused. Every time she’d made herself pretty and showed her assets and had tried to lure him into bed, he’d started kissing her and making her _want_ before ending things and asking _’What do you want from me now, Jackie?’_

It hadn’t taken her the whole week to figure it out – twice had been enough to get it. But it had nearly driven her mad, thinking she might never get it again with him, that they wouldn’t ever have sex again just because she’d tried to use herself to get what she’d wanted.

Like a whore. 

With Michael, things had often – though not always – been like exchanging sex for favours, and whatever might happen now, she’d always be grateful that someone had stopped her from that path before it had turned into a habit. She didn’t even have to look very far to spot where that idea might have come from – her mom had taught her well by showing her how easy it could be to manipulate men into dumb, hollow objects – and despising and belittling any who didn’t fall for her trap. 

While that had backfired for Jackie with Steven, nothing had been damaged between them. It had turned into a game, her trying to demand the most ridiculous things from Steven during sex and him trying to drive her mad and leaving for the bathroom when she was all ready to go.

He’d always returned and continued, since nobody refused Jackie Burkhart for long, or for real. But it had added quite some spice into their bedroom and she felt herself smile remembering some of the best times between the sheets.

And now, all firm and muscle-y but not _bulky_ or anything, she wanted Steven even more than before. Maybe, one last time? 

Right then, he murmured something in his sleep and turned, smacking his lips and sighing like a content dog in its cot. He’d never spoken in his sleep before, at least not that she knew of. He’d been quiet and on good days, he’d been relaxed and eager for contact, even while asleep. 

The splint on his fingers didn’t seem to bother him, but it was a sharp reminder of the night before. He’d hit a wall in anger, so hard that his hand had been damaged! What else might come from him? What else was hidden underneath that incredibly sexy exterior, waiting to spring free? What had the Army done to him? Or… maybe whatever it was had been there all the time, just never expressed? 

Jackie kinda thought it was the second option. Because she knew men, and none that she knew spoke so _little_ when it came to their inner thoughts. Mr Forman might come close, but with him it was ridiculously easy to know what he was feeling. 

Mostly, he was angry or grumpy.

Steven, though, had always bottled up. No – wait. No. It hadn’t always been that way. It had worsened the last year of their relationship, he’d withdrawn more and more, drunk more and more and Jackie hadn’t been able to get him back out most of the time. 

Then they’d broken up because she had been the only one invested in them. So it had seemed at the time. That he’d never made an effort to get back with her had hurt, had made her feel small and angry. She’d sacrificed for that relationship, too! She’d given up her dreams for being with Steven, would have settled for … 

She would have ‘settled’? 

No. NO! That wasn’t how it had been. Steven hadn’t been second choice, especially not second choice to _Michael_! Jackie had never really thought their relationship as settling, as being a handout, as being the only thing that she could get. She could have gotten someone better if she’d wanted, but she hadn’t! She had wanted Steven, nobody else, and looking back Jackie thought she had told him so at least once. 

But had she really? 

Had she, maybe, made her boyfriend feel like he was only a consolation-prize? Or was his insecurity, especially regarding Michael Kelso, coming from something else? But she remembered her little game of pitching the two against each other, after that nurse-thing, and … well. That hadn’t been one of her finer times, had it? She’d outright _said_ that she couldn’t decide between the two… 

Jackie took a deep breath. She’d come here fully prepared to decide if she wanted to continue this between them or break it up, but right now, she still couldn’t choose! She still _didn’t know_ , and that was really disheartening. Because when Steven had said he didn’t know if there was a future for them, she’d been devastated and angry and hurt – but now she felt exactly the same. 

Could there be a future? With a man who was unfaithful and, in that regard, unreliable and to top that also – how had Donna said? Volatile? Could she trust him again?

Had she trusted him before? Had _he_ trusted _her_? 

Donna was right. There was no simple answer to the question of taking her boyfriend back for good. There was so much … _stuff_ between them, and nothing was certain. But right now, with Steven looking vulnerable and so damn tempting, she didn’t even want to decide. It could wait, he wasn’t going anywhere and _if_ he were – well, then that would be the answer she’d been looking for, right?

Shoving all those complicated thoughts away, Jackie took off her shoes and walked to the bed, then sat on it next to Steven. She wasn’t afraid he’d hurt her, so one question was out of the way at least, and she leaned over him and whispered “Morning, sleepy-head,” into his ear, even though it wasn’t morning at all. “Were you a good boy?”


	4. Chapter 4

They tumbled around in bed, kissing and touching and just breathing and kissing and _kissing_ and feeling. Jackie couldn’t stop touching him, skimming her fingertips over his new muscles and tracing the edges of Steven’s bruises with careful little digs. It made him giggle and smile, and those sounds filled her with longing and a sense of sadness she couldn’t quite place. She wanted this – God, did she want this! Could she have it, dare she keep it? Keep him? 

“Hey, grasshopper,” Steven whispered into the exposed skin of her belly, and Jackie nearly cried from how it made her feel. “Did you have a good day?” She couldn’t answer, her throat refused to work, but nodding seemed to suffice. “I love your smell, oranges and cucumber and… something else.” He inhaled deeper, seemed to crawl right into her, and it was too much, too much, too much, too close, too fast, too easy, too hard and just _too damn much_!

Jackie’s breath hitched. “You left me,” came out, instead of ‘cocoa’, that elusive scent Steven had just been looking for. “You left me.” 

“What?” He stopped and frowned, letting his upper body fall back onto the cushion, giving space when she wanted him closer – but she didn’t, she wanted distance! 

“You left me, Steven.” Jackie hadn’t noticed her own tears until one hit her lip and she tasted the salt. “You just left me.” Stupid, stupid. So stupid! She needed to say more, so much more, but whenever she found air enough to speak, it was the same thing her lips formed. “You left me, Steven.”

On his face was mostly confusion, but there was sorrow underneath it as well. He didn’t stop swirling his thumbs over her hipbones, didn’t stop touching her and she drew comfort from this. Usually, he’d have withdrawn from her and closed himself off, but he was still keeping her gaze and the way he was biting his lower lip seemed to mean he was looking for words. She couldn’t be sure, though, but asking was out of the question. “You left me.” 

God, so stupid! Can’t even form a sentence, Jacqueline Burkhart! And stop with those melodramatic tears! You should be grateful, he’s here after all, he came back! So stop this pity-party, everything turned out right. Right?

“I know,” he said, and raised his good hand to wipe the tears away. “I wish I could say more than ‘sorry’, but I don’t- “, he stopped himself, swallowed what he wanted to say. ‘I don’t know’, she knew. And she wanted to tell him that she understood, that sometimes you really, really _don’t know_ , but she couldn’t. 

Couldn’t! 

“You left me.” Her breath shuddered at the inhale. “I… you… You _left_ me!” 

“Jackie. I’m so, so sorry. Please, stop crying.” 

But she couldn’t do that, either. 

So stupid. 

Carefully, Steven sat up and even more carefully, he put his arms around her, drawing her closer to him. Without conscious thought, Jackie grabbed onto his shoulders, holding him so hard she could feel her nails dig into his skin, and she buried her face in his neck and shoulder. “Left me, left me, left me,” she whispered, because saying anything else might lead to her saying that _she_ would leave _him_ now. 

But she didn’t want to! She didn’t. She wanted to keep him, hold him, chain him up inside her heart so he could never leave again, because leaving her in that motel-room, leaving her so completely, leaving her so utterly that he even lost himself hurt so much she didn’t think she could go through that again. 

But he hadn’t lost himself, had he? He’d chosen to leave. Even if he’d lost all his memory, if he’d been … drunk, or high, or whatever kind of crap he’d been, he’d _chosen_ to leave her! To do that to himself, in order to get away – get away from _her_.

_”YOU LEFT ME!”_ Jackie screamed into his shoulder and dug her nails a little deeper, just short of drawing blood. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she did want to _hurt_ him! He’d hurt her, taken himself away from her – _stolen her boyfriend_ from her! 

The moment he hissed slightly and tensed, she loosened her grip and started shushing, kissing the skin at the junction of shoulder and neck. “Sh sh sh”, she murmured and stroked the red marks on his back with her fingertips. “Sh sh.” 

And still, through all of her dramatics, he held her in his arms. Why couldn’t he be an asshole, come back and be mean and hurtful and ugly and, and, and… have a moustache or whatever, so she could hurt him without feeling like crap. Why did he have to come back like this, sexy and soft and firm and mellow, surprisingly open and vulnerable instead of closed-off and tough? She wanted to be mean, kick him, but it would be like kicking a puppy. 

Even her anger he’d stolen. 

“What can’t you do? Jackie?” 

She hadn’t realized she was talking, but now that he’d asked, she noticed. “I can’t, I don’t think I can, I can’t,” in an endless loop, just like she’d looped on ‘you left me’.

“Jackie. You’re scaring me here. Please, what is it? Tell me, please.” He wasn’t holding her tight like before, just a loose circle of arms around her waist. If she wanted to, she could easily leave, but leaving would mean _leaving_. Deciding. 

She couldn’t. “I can’t.”

“What? What! Jackie!”

Jackie took a deep breath and deliberately let go of Steven’s body. She leaned back slightly and he took the hint – again with being so kind, so godawfully _kind_ , the asshole! – and scooted backwards so they had room for themselves. She took another breath because this breakdown would not do. She was Jackie Burkhart, she’d made it to Chicago with nothing but her own spirit, had managed to get a job and be on television and had made friends – good friends, friends she liked to hang out with! Friends who didn’t smoke pot every time they found themselves around a table and who didn’t meet in a dark, dingy, smelly basement next to the laundry-detergent, with a couch you could probably get pregnant from just sitting on it without panties. She could damn well open her mouth and talk to her boyfriend and explain why she’d freaked out.

Right the minute she figured that one out. 

Meanwhile, she took another breath, noticing absently that Steven was looking at her with concern and worry, but wasn’t avoiding her or fearing what she would say next. 

It made it easier, and so much harder. “I can’t decide.”

Steven frowned. “Uh. What?” 

“I told you… I said yesterday that I want you … back, at the weekends. And … yes. But I can’t, or maybe I can? I wish I could decide because Donna said I have to, but I can’t, I’m just not smart enough, how can I not know? How … Oh, I understand now what you mean, ‘I don’t know’ - what a shitty feeling! But I don’t know, I don’t understand myself so how can I understand you, how could this work – how can it _not_ work? How can I want you so bad and not want you at all – how can I decide if I want you with me when all I know is that I shouldn’t want you anymore but my heart says ‘Stay!’ and, and, and, and…”

“Jackie, Jackie – slow down! What? Donna? Why – what are you trying to say here?” 

“I…” she gasped at the realization “I don’t know.” Then she giggled, because this was so ridiculous! And funny. Ridiculous things were funny, right? 

“Uhm.” Steven seemed at a loss, and how could he not – she’d been babbling like a maniac. He scratched his hair – still too short, and hadn’t she always thought his curls looked so messy? Now, he really looked like a naked sheep. “Again, but slower, please?”

“Steven. I wa – I don – I do –“ This was just moronic. She deflated, letting the tension drain from her in a long exhale. “Take me out to dinner. Six o’clock. Be on time. And wear something with buttons!”

Stupid.


	5. Chapter 5

She’d slipped from his room before there was time for things to get awkward, leaving him still in a state of befuddlement. It was easier that way, since she still didn’t have an answer to what she’d actually wanted to say. Still didn’t have a solution. 

Her mom wasn’t home – ha ha – surprise! – and her newest lover had forgotten to give Jackie a key to the house. It surely couldn’t have been intentional – you don’t just shut out the daughter of the woman you’re courting, right? So she’d stomped her foot and went back to where she’d come from, going over to the Pinciottis because Donna might actually still have some of Jackie’s clothes. She’d said something about some boxes a few weeks ago, on the phone, hadn’t she? 

Stepping into the blue horror of a living-room, Jackie couldn’t help but smile at the memories this house held. Yes, she’d been a guest there, but she’d lived with Donna in a tiny room and they hadn’t killed each other, so they surely were great friends, right? 

Not even Steven and Eric had been able to live in the same room for longer than a few nights! And she was a much better room-mate than either of those morons. 

Donna was on the couch, reading an article in the National Geographic. She had her hair in one of her stupid hair-cloths and wore – of all things! – a checkered blouse over a pair of grey jeans. Jackie gasped. “Donna! You just came from hours spent in the spa getting your skin cleansed and your hair done – and you’re wearing the same clothes as _hours_ before! And let your hair breathe, goddammit – it needs its freedom!”

Donna looked up, not even fazed by her outburst. Jackie wanted to stomp her foot again – she deserved attention! It was good advice! “Oh, you’re one to speak, little Miss Tangle-Locks.” 

Jackie squeaked, hands up in her hair. Oh god, she must look like such a mess! Her clothes were rumpled and her hair tangled, and she’d _walked around in public like this_! 

“So, I guess you’re really back together with him? Or was it some other man who made you look like you just had a lay in the hay?”

Huffing, Jackie marched over and fell onto the couch, took the magazine from Donna’s hand and threw it aside. She ignored her protest and instead fell against her lumberjack-shoulder, which shouldn’t be as comfortable to lean against as it was. “No. No other man. Of course not, I wouldn’t!” She smirked. “But I did meet Todd in the mall.” 

“What? Jackie!” Donna shoved her away and stared in horror, and it was just so funny that Jackie giggled again. She’d just been able to get the giggling under control in Chicago and now she was at it again, like a stupid schoolgirl! Why did things all turn backwards just because Steven decided to show his face again. Why couldn’t he just stay gone?

Oh god, what a horrible thought!

“Oh, calm down, Sasquatch.” Jackie probably deserved the slap on the shoulder for that, but she still frowned at her friend. “He’s taken. And you will never guess by who-hoom,” she sang, and enjoyed the emotions playing over Donna’s face. Curiosity, shame, curiosity again and finally acceptance. Jackie still let her ask. 

“Who? Come on, Jackie, don’t be mean.” 

“Guess.” 

“You just told me I would never guess!” 

“Still – try. It’s someone we know.”

Donna rolled her eyes. She would probably look really good with smoky eyeshadow, Jackie contemplated. “Wow – that really narrows it down there.” She thought a beat. “Okay – so, do we know her from school?”

Jackie let the wrong pronoun go – correcting Donna would give it away anyway. She nodded. 

“Okay. Uh… someone we wouldn’t ever guess… Rhonda?”

Jackie laughed out loud. “No, though that would be interesting. She’d carry him around in her purse!” The two of them cackled like chicken at the image. 

“Caroline?”

“What, is that lunatic still running around unsupervised? No! Okay, another hint – nobody Fez ever dated or tried to date.”

“Oh wow – that _really_ narrows it down. Is there even a woman he didn’t at least try to date?”

“Well… I actually don’t think so, no.” Jackie smirked and waited for her friend to catch up. 

It took surprisingly long. “Wait – you’re telling me… No way! He’s dating a guy? Tell me everything!” 

The two of them spent about an hour gossiping, going from Todd and Buddy to a few guys Donna knew from campus over Egmont from Chicago and what it would be like if Eric had actually been into Buddy’s advances. Jokingly, Donna told her that if they wanted to get Fez’ brain to explode, the two of them should have their own gay experience and make out on the couch and tell him about it. 

They didn’t, though. Sure, Donna was great and she had very manly taste and her shoulders were manlier than Eric’s, but she was a woman and Jackie didn’t want to kiss a woman. She didn’t want to kiss anyone but Steven. 

Aaaand there it was again.

“Hey Donna?”

“No, I’m not kissing you, Burkhart.”

“Haha. No – that’s… ewww, no. No it’s… what you said in Kenosha, about uh… Steven. And things.”

Donna sighed and turned on the couch, pulling her left leg under her right to face Jackie. “What about it?”

“You said I have to decide that on my own, but what… what if I can’t?”

Wiping her mouth, Donna sighed and looked towards the ceiling. There wasn’t anything there but spiderwebs around the lamp’s electrical cord. “Jackie, I’m not really good with this, either. My first and current boyfriend left for freaking Namibia and the only other guy I dated was fucking Casey Kelso! Why do you think I have answers to that?”

Jackie absently pulled at a loose thread on her skirt and shrugged. “Because you’re… you’re smart.” She felt herself being pulled against Donna’s shoulder – the wonderful, manly Pinciotti-shoulder. The one that smelled actually good, and not like cheap cologne, like Bob’s did. 

“Thank you, but smart doesn’t mean I know everything. You’re not dumb, Jackie. And I’m … I’m pretty stupid, too. Sometimes. But… I’ve only ever been in love with Eric, and I don’t want to be anything else but in love with Eric.”

“Even when you’re mad at him for going to Namibia without asking if you’re okay with that? Or when he says he might like to maybe date that one girl he met?”, Jackie couldn’t help but ask. 

There was a bit of silence and maybe the sound of gnawing teeth. “Yeah. Yeah, even then. I wish I would just go find a different guy and fall in love with him, but the sad thing is – I don’t even want to!” She sniffed and Jackie looked up. Donna’s cheeks had gone blotchy, like they did when she tried not to cry. Jackie leaned harder against her friend and tried to return the hug, or at least the feeling it gave her. “I want him to come back so I can yell at him and be mad at him and then make up with him and be together with him. That’s not smart – that’s pathetic.”

They sat together for a while, saying nothing. “I think I’m pretty pathetic, too,” Jackie finally admitted, and Donna just huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, well. At least you have your … your Hyde to yell at and be mad at and make up with. I still have to wait for over six months for mine.”

True. 

_True!_

Her Hyde would take her to dinner in a few hours – oh God, not even two hours! She had to get ready! And she still hadn’t asked about the stupid clothes – what if she didn’t find anything? Or – No! – what if nothing _matched_? She knew Steven wouldn’t care if she wore a burlap-sack around her neck, but she looked awful in beige! 

Then something else registered. “Did you really just compare skinny Eric with my Steven? Have you even _seen_ him since he came back?” 

Donna just laughed.


	6. Chapter 6

Steven took her to a small restaurant in Kenosha. Apparently, the guy who’d been manning his record-store – Daniel? Dorian? Derek? – had recommended it and so far, it seemed Darren – Dominik? – had good taste. 

First, Jackie thought she was a quivering mess and would ruin the evening, but then she noticed Steven doing things like holding the door of his car for her and pulling out her chair and stuff like that, and he never did that if he was completely at ease. 

He was just as nervous as she was, and it made her instantly feel better. 

“Thank you,” she said to the cute waiter who handed her the menu. “Can I have a water first, please?” 

Steven ordered a glass of apple-juice, and it was so uncharacteristic that she had to look up. But he didn’t seem to care, just studied the menu, only glancing up when he noticed her staring. “What?”

“Nothing!” she hastened and tried to find something she wanted. “I think I’ll take the pasta formaggi. Maybe with a salad and garlic-bread?” 

“Dave” – oh, _Dave_ , that was the name! – “said the bread’s the best he ever tasted. I don’t know this guy very well, so I don’t know how much his opinion counts.” Steven put the menu away. “I’m taking the macaroni.” He started to fidget with his napkin, but Jackie tried to ignore it. Putting too much attention on it would make him only more nervous, and for all that he’d hurt her and made her confused and unstable, she didn’t want him to suffer unnecessarily. 

Just then, the waiter brought their drinks and they ordered, Jackie deciding last-minute to go with saltimbocca instead of her first idea. If Steven was paying – and he so would! – she could go all out. 

Once they were left alone, the small satisfaction of splurging on other people’s money left her like a helium-filled balloon someone had let go. He seemed to avoid looking at her, and the small glimpses she caught him throwing towards her made him look like a chastened little boy waiting for punishment. 

He certainly didn’t look like a soldier!

So – how about that topic? They hadn’t talked about it at all, much more important crap had been in the way. But it was a relatively safe topic – at least she hoped! – and she was actually curious now. Apart from the hair, which would look fine if it wasn’t on her Steven’s head, transforming him into a stranger, and the muscle-tone, he didn’t seem that different. 

“So Steven, tell me – how can anyone look at you and think you’d be a good choice for defending our country?” He looked up and gave a tentative smile. “More importantly, how did you manage not to blurt out about socialism and the evil works of capitalism that are destroying our nation from within?” Yes – she listened to him. Didn’t always understand, didn’t always agree, but she listened. 

Now, Steven was smirking, but still a little careful. “Well, not getting high helped a lot, for one. And mostly I was too busy not throwing up after doing more exercise than I’ve ever done in all my life together, so that helped, too. And uh… I kinda…” he took a breath, but even though she could see it cost him, he wasn’t avoiding her eyes. “I wanted to go through with that, you know? I swore to myself that I would at least give it a good shot, a true shot. Stay for the ten weeks, be a … be a good dog and just do what they say and …” he looked at the rim of his glass, skimming his finger through the moisture that was running down its side “not decide, you know?” 

“No, I don’t,” she lied after a beat. She had a feeling she knew exactly what he meant. 

“Yeah. I mean, making decisions… I am crap at that. I make the wrong ones if I make them at all, and it landed me in many crappy situations. Worst, though, was deciding everything’s lost when I saw you with Kelso and … well, everything kinda pales in comparison.” 

Jackie nodded. She wanted him to continue, because it was rare that Steven would speak to her. Maybe this time, it wouldn’t be like pulling teeth? Maybe … she dared to hope. 

“So, there’s… I mean, they …” he huffed. “So, uh, I’m in front of that house, and I’m all fucked up and don’t know what’s up and down, and there’s this stringy guy I see walking out of the recruiting-office, and he has those papers, and I think – I think if they’d take _him_ , they’d take anyone. And…” he stopped there but the way he fiddled with his spoon, she knew – just knew – what he wasn’t saying. _’I didn’t know where else to go’_. 

_“Why didn’t you think to come home?”_ she wanted to ask again, but she knew the answer to that one as well. Pride. Steven had always been proud, hated to beg, hated to be weak in anyone’s eye. Steven Hyde had always been strong and independent, at least that’s what he’d pretended to be, and what he’d tried so hard to show the world. Coming home with a tattered mind, without memory, with the knowledge of having done something incredibly stupid and hurtful and maybe with added medical issues nobody knew about yet… yeah. She wouldn’t have gone home, either. 

The both of them didn’t have the right kind of home for that.

“So, I went in, signed up and that’s that. I also figured,” he grinned devilishly “it would be pretty ingenious of me to let the government pay for medical exams and detoxing myself from whatever shit I’ve been taking. Definitely cheaper than paying for rehab myself.”

Jackie blinked. And blinked again. Rehab by Army – that did sound like Steven Hyde, alright. Maybe he hadn’t been as crazy as she thought. It was also freaking hilarious. She giggled, trying to hide it behind her water-glass. It didn’t work, and soon Steven was chuckling along with her. 

“So, that’s pretty much it. Next step – Oregon. You wouldn’t believe how much rain there is in Oregon, Jackie!” 

And he told her more. Nothing too deep, nothing to leave him too open, but it was a good distraction from reality. And imagining Steven being yelled at and made to crawl over obstacles and thinking about him blowing himself up with a makeshift ‘bomb’ and being punished by standing very still for a long time gave her a little niggling, shameful hint of satisfaction. He also told her about the people he met, the friends he’d made.

Friends. He’d made friends there, and he was proud of them, she could see it. Carter and Washington – that sounded like a joke come alive – and San Marino and that other guy, Wilcox. And some other names she didn’t remember right now but they didn’t feature as much in the stories. 

They’d reached dessert now, and while digging into the ice-cream with her spoon, Jackie spoke what hadn’t yet surfaced between them. “You know that you worried us, do you?”

Steven stopped the story about the wilderness-camping-trip and his bath in the water and bit his lip. “Yes. I know. I… I wish I could have explained, but I’m not even sure I knew what I was doing at the time.” 

“You worried Donna, and Donna isn’t even worried about Eric in Africa, so … you really, really worried her.” _And me_ , she didn’t say. _I was worried sick about you. Because I know you, Steven, and I know you don’t explode – you implode_ , she also didn’t say. _And even though you were so damn stupid for thinking the worst of me, I didn’t want you to implode somewhere all alone, maybe doing something stupid and irreversible_ , she refused to say. 

At the time, she’d also refused to think it, had not even voiced her worries to Donna on the phone after a while and tried to move on with her life without having this cloud of worry over her head. 

It hadn’t worked very well, she had to admit, but she’d _tried_. There wasn’t anything else but try. But Donna hadn’t stopped worrying, talked about it at least once every call, and Jackie had to roll right over her and talk about stupid crap she didn’t really care about anymore. Like Helena’s clothes and Maura’s makeup. But she couldn’t have her friend talk about her disappeared boyfriend – ex-boyfriend, at the time, probably – without starting to yell. Or cry. She hadn’t wanted to yell anymore after a few weeks. Or cry.

Steven reached over and carefully took her hand in his, stroking her knuckles with his gaze locked on her skin. “I know I worried her, and I’m so, so sorry about that. But I don’t know how to fix that, so as long as y- as Donna doesn’t give me a clue how, I can only ever apologize.”

She sniffed. Stupid Steven was too damn stupidly smart, sometimes. 

“Maybe she will, once she figures that out.” 

He just smiled sadly.

***

The closer Jackie got to the end of her ice-cream, the more nervous Steven became. He actually started twitching, and the fiddling with the silverware got more and more on her nerves. When he finally dropped the fork to the floor, fumbling it so he nearly took the tablecloth with him, she had enough.

“Seriously, what’s up with you? Stop the twiddling, you’re worse than Eric!” 

Chastised, he sat still, head bent and his hands in his lap. And Jackie hadn’t even yelled, she’d just been a bit annoyed – he should be used to that. Why did he look like she bit his head off? He was acting strange, not like Steven at all. 

She put her spoon down and reached over the table, leaving her hand flat on the cloth. “Steven. What is it?” His lips twitched, but he didn’t say anything, instead his knee started to bounce up and down. 

Seriously! 

“Steven!”

“Are you breaking up with me?” It sounded forced, words pressed through his clenched teeth, and Jackie held her breath. Apparently, her inner debate had not been unnoticed, and now he was forcing her to decide. 

Did she? Was she breaking up? Jackie desperately looked for words to describe her mind, her thoughts and her uncertainty, but all that she came up with was 

“I don’t know.” The moment she said it, she wanted to take it back, but no matter what she’d say, it would still come up to exactly this. She didn’t know. 

Steven flinched, then leaned back. He took a deep breath, then another, and then he nodded. “Okay,” he said, still not meeting her eyes. She could see him biting his lip, and she wanted him to stop because it looked really painful. But Jackie didn’t think it was the best time, and she wasn’t even sure she had the right to tell him what to do and what not to do. Not right now. 

“Okay.” The second time, he sounded better, but it took until he’d taken another, very long breath before he looked at her fully. His eyes were clear but sad, and he was nodding again. “That’s… I – uh. Yeah. Will… you’ll tell me once you know, right?” 

Jackie felt her eyes fill with tears. He looked like she just shot his pet, hurt and in pain, but he was giving her a tentative smile. It was crazy. She was so angry at him for doing that to her, for leaving her and for hurting her by cheating and for nearly giving someone _else_ what was supposed to be _hers_ , and yet she didn’t want to hurt him in return, not when this was the outcome. Grinding her teeth, she picked up her spoon again but dropped it immediately.

“Dammit,” she whispered. “Why aren’t feelings easier?” 

Steven chuckled humourlessly. “Wish I knew, grasshopper. Wish I knew.” 

Taking a deep breath, she met his eyes again. “Look. I … the thing is, I’m really, really angry at you. For so many things, I’m not even sure yet which are the ones that I’m most angry about, okay? One of the big ones is that you _cheated_ , because there is no way you married –“ she held up her hand before he could interrupt, though he didn’t seem to want to “near-married that whore without … doing stuff before. I mean, nobody buys a horse without giving it a test-ride!” He flinched but she pretended not to notice and to not feel shame for her words. “So it’s safe to assume that you … had sex with her. And I know we were not really together, not _really_ , but still… We kinda were. That’s why you blew up about Kelso in my room, so yes. We more or less were. And so you cheated and that’s a big reason to be angry, but there’s also the disappearing and the running away and the not-writing and the not-calling – all that!” Jackie was panting by now, and she didn’t want to look up because she didn’t want to see what her words caused. “So there are many reasons I shouldn’t want to just continue with you, but the thing is – I _do_ want to!” 

Now she looked up, and his eyes were on her, had probably been the whole time. There was a glimmer of hope in them, and she smiled sadly. “Isn’t it ironic that I don’t know about my own feelings when I’ve given you hell for the same thing? I mean, that’s what led up to this mess, right? So… I’m sorry, Steven. I shouldn’t have yelled at you or tried to force you into making a decision at the time, because feeling so uncertain sucks enough as it is. I want you and I don’t, and right now I can’t see which feeling is more important. I don’t want to hurt you, please… believe me, okay?” She squeezed his hand, hadn’t even noticed taking it or when it had appeared on top of the table instead of in his lap. He squeezed back and nodded sharply, but he was swallowing and his eyes were cast down. Jackie knew that no matter what she wanted, he _was_ in pain, and she felt sorry but not enough to stop, or decide that she wanted him back in her life unconditionally. 

“I… I do love you, that’s what I can say for sure right now. I love you, and I wish like _hell_ that I could just get over everything that happened and take you home and love you and one day, when you ask me, marry you. But … I can’t. I really … really can’t. I’ve made it so far – you said so, remember? And I did it myself and I did it _for_ myself. And I think… I think I need to make this boyfriend-decision for myself, too. And by myself.” She let go of his hand and slid hers to her lap. Jackie wasn’t meeting Steven’s eyes now, too scared by what she might find. Her voice sounded foreign, like a rusty bucket when she spoke again. “I’m taking a cab home. I’m sorry I can’t give you more right now.”

She stood, finally letting the tears that had been lying in wait throughout the conversation fall. When she passed by his chair, his hand shot out and he held her arm loosely. “Jackie.”

Sniffing, she shook her head. _Please don’t beg – anything but that, please…_. 

“Jackie. I… maybe. Let’s just…” he stopped, and she could hear the frustration in the few words he’d uttered. But he took another breath and went on. “You know where I am, right? If… if you want to … just talk – maybe. Call me, alright? Tell me about your friends, and your job. If … if that’s okay with you?” He let go and nodding, Jackie took her arm back against her chest. “Good luck, Jackie.” 

 

~ End ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! this is it. There's another part of this story in the making, but it's not yet finished and I'm not sure even HOW it should end or where I'm taking it. So I won't make promises as to when or IF it will get posted because I hate abandoned WIPs with a passion and I wouldn'T want to do that to any of you.
> 
> But this is a good place to stop this in case I never finish. It's not final, there's enough possibility of reconciliation, nobody is being a doormat and everyone could end up being content. 
> 
> Since I AM in favor of Hyde/Jackie, I'd say the odds are good for them ;-) 
> 
> I hope you liked this story, feel free to tell me or rant to me about the show or my story or any other story you've liked. I'll post this on ff.net as well as soon as I feel the will to bother. Bye!  
> Marlowe


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